Not a very good start for the week

monday...

even playing basketball didn't make me feel happy

mom totally made me feel really bad

oh come on, 

I'm not perfect here~!

more or less the conversation went like this

mom:

Jas~!! where is the money (I had to return her the change for cf rally, and plus pay her around 50% of it too, geez.. I'm broke)

- so I went to get it, goodness, I can't repay her 50% = 15 ringgit of it, had like 5 with me, the rest I used it for church and all.. came down, think how to start..

me:

mom, here is the change, and I don't  have enough to pay you so, take 5 first and I'll get 10 later,

- saved by the bell. my sis was screaming up stairs, I think she got soup in her eyes or something, so I went to continue playing the guitar (dad taught me how to play, C, F, G yesterady : ))

mom came down...

mom:

I don't understand, what did you say?

(more or less, I had to explain to her over and over, she was like ooo~)

(and somehow she started to talk about me being selfish and all)

mom:

you are only thinking about yourself, on sat we were outside doing gardening, and only you went to CA, you should go outside some time too, on cf rally, Ojichama (grandpa) is coming and you have to go to cf rally, you think it's very easy for us is it? I"m not saying that it's wrong to go, it's good to go, but where is the fruits ( fruits of the spirit), I don't see what you have leant there( oh please, she doesn't even know what we are leaning on, it's prayer, nothing to do with fruits yet~!). you need to think again are you doing right things? you do what you like only, you play the guitar when you feel like it(come on, just to refresh once a while), you study when you want to(I'm revising), you don't think of others, where's the compassion (now I got really annoyed) , * blah blah blah* do you think you are doing right things? 

me :

(finally I  opened my mouth)

*sharp*

I don't  know~!

mom:

huh? do you or not?

me : 

I don't know

mom:

oh, (then something) oh, maybe you just don't appreciate  the cooperation/ compassion(can't hear well) from me,

- and she went off

how long did that take? 

long enough for my brother to write his essay

I thought

" oh it's not like I"m a perfect child or whatever, she doesn't even know what's going on in my side, and plus, I have to pay her money for this and that, my allowance haven't increase( fuel price goes up my allowance should go up too~~)  I'm stuck with my finance thingy, and what makes her that I'm not helping others out of love?? I've been doing some, don't remember, but I did it with my right without letting my left know, so? still blaming me?? she doesn't have a single clue what's going on with me and  my life or what I did, I've tried to be a  "good girl" listening to them, but they don't seem to realize this at all, and what else, they mostly blame me, ok, I don't mind taking the blames, that can be settled, but taking action on me?? I'm innocent~ ok?? so fed up, dad won't help me, he thinks he knows a lot about me,of course  no one is on my side, I just had to stand on my own.. my brother hates me, my sis is annoying, what else can go worst~!?? don't mistake me, I love my family, it's just... well, hard to tell them so..."